Expect less frequent posts than in the summer on this blog. Fall semester has started and so I’m burdened with homework again, but thankfully my program allows me to be creative in many ways as well. If anything applies to my blog, I’l try to post that here but otherwise expect less posts in general.

I do want to get back to working on my music. I went to a great concert during the week and going to a show always inspires me to work harder on my music. I’ve always been more of a lyric writer who just enjoyed putting simple chords to some words. The words were the focus, but I want to change that now. I want to focus more on the music and make something more melodic and interesting. So that’s going to be my focus for the next little while. If I make anything, I’ll post it here.

music, writing

Planning For Creativity (Or At Least Trying)

I’ve been trying to gear up to do some more writing and songwriting once I finish my calculus exam, such as prepping my ideas and getting what I want to work on in order so that I can just work and write once I’m done. I’m getting some chords chosen for my songs so that I can choose instruments and drum beats for my songs, and I’m getting plot arcs in order for my writings. I’ve been a little dispassionate about my ideas lately, however.

I had such high hopes and I feel like my songs aren’t coming together the way I wanted. I wanted to make something different, but it feels so same old so far. Maybe once I get recording and I start playing around, it’ll find itself shifting to something more interesting. One can only hope.

I’m also going away in two weeks, so maybe I’ll even get some writing done while I’m away. I’m going away with my mom and both of us are writers, so maybe we’ll have some good late night writing sessions during those couple days. We’ll just have to see.


Don’t Leave Me Dry

I sang in front of people the other day! I was nervous and forgot to record the first song I sang, which was Valerie as sung by Amy Winehouse, but I also performed High and Dry by Radiohead and did remember to press record on that one, so here’s me singing that!

I’d like to start doing open mics once in a while, perhaps. We’ll see. I’ve written a couple of new songs, and one of them is okay but I’m really proud of the other one so far. I think it’s going in a good direction, so maybe I could take that one for a spin in front of an audience some time. Anyways, that’s all I’ve got to say about that.

Sorry if posts are slowing down, I’m doing Calculus in college this semester and math isn’t my strong suit so it’s stealing a lot of extra time and attention from me, as well as the fact that I’m trying to maintain at least a small amount of a social life. I’m also getting ready to transfer to a new University in September so I’ve got stuff going on there too, but I’ll try to make time to draw and paint in between that. I’m not as worried about music, songwriting is something that comes so naturally to me, I just do it so I never really fall behind. It’s harder to not sing and write songs quite honestly, haha! My writing is taking a bit of a backseat while I do some more reading to kind of study and brush up my writing skills, but I’m still writing here and there. I’ve started an Instagram account for this blog as well, so if you wanna see my art and music on the go, it can be found @a_melancholics_muses .

Thanks for reading and checking out my blog!


Finding the New Sound

Lately I feel a bit like that episode of the Mighty Boosh where Vince and Howard play Spider Dijon and Rudy van Disarzio try to find the new sound for their band, the Bongo Brothers (minus the black/brownface).

Of course, this is a representation in a psychedelic, pseudo spiritual way that is obviously dramatized but trying to figure out what the hell you’re doing with your sound can feel just about as mystical and mysterious as this looks. So, naturally, I turn back to whatever I’m listening to to get some ideas.

As I mentioned in a previous post, the new Gorillaz album really has my attention lately. Lorde also just released her second album, Melodrama, and though I’ve only listened to the singles, I’m excited to hear the rest. It sounds like a really emotional, break-up album and I think I am going for a more emotional sound on certain songs so I’m taking cues from Lorde, for sure. So, while I’m not certain exactly what I’m going for, I’m probably gonna try to incorporate some piano and electronic sounds, but I don’t know if I want them to be the focus just yet. I’ve recorded a demo for one song, and it’s relatively simple in nature, but it’s a good songwriting warm-up I think. I’m interested to see what I come up with next and I hope I can make something I’m really proud of.

I’ve been working on a playlist on Spotify to kinda help with finding the vibe, and it’s full of Gorillaz, Lorde, Marina and the Diamonds, and actually some Lady Gaga so far, so we’ll see what comes of it.



I woke up every morning sad, from the happiest dream I’d ever had

Dreams are funny things because, scientifically, we sort of know what they are but we could also be entirely wrong about them. I love dreams, I love waking up and remembering something strange and taking my time to let my mind wander back into that world. It actually makes me sad that I don’t remember my dreams more often anymore. For a while, while I was trying to learn how to dream lucidly, I became very skilled at remembering dreams but never really conquered the ability to lucid dream. During that time, my dreams almost became too normal to me that I failed to recognize them as dreams (which is in part what made lucid dreaming difficult, the dreams seemed too close to reality). But this isn’t even the weirdest part to me.

My dreams became a big focus of the Pluto in Scorpio album as I had had quite a few powerful dreams during the couple years I was working on the songs. Most moving, perhaps, was a dream in which I had fallen completely, even madly in love. That is the only way I can describe this feeling which I have never experienced in real life. I even remember how he looked, and they say dreams cannot invent a human face but I can say with certainty that I have never seen this visage in my waking life. It’s the most bizarre thing. I remember he wore all black, black jeans, belt and a plain black t shirt.

I remember in the dream, I had escaped from one apartment where I was hanging out with people I knew, although they weren’t people I would be spending time with normally in my life, and I somehow I ended up being asked to enter a few apartments down the hallway and the guy seemed so charming and friendly so I obliged. I felt immediately comfortable with him, laying out on his bed while he talked on the phone. It was like I had known him for a long time already. I think I remember his apartment as a kinda punk rock crash pad, where he had a friend or two also hanging out around the place – just a tiny room with an attached bathroom really. Though it had been seconds, in the dream it felt as if much more time had passed and I felt such an admiration for him. There was more, but I don’t recall.

Somehow, the dream led to me feeling this emotion that I have never experienced in my waking life. It is the feeling that I truly remember, much more than the dream. If I’m honest, I’m filling in the gaps of the dream with my conscious thoughts so it may be inaccurate (it seems I didn’t write this dream into my dream journal, maybe because I knew even then that the feeling was what mattered most). It was the airiest feeling in the world. At that time in my life, while I simultaneously probably needed that feeling to balance me out, it also just made my waking life seem that much worse in comparison. Ennui mixed with misery will do that to you.

It left me with many questions. How does one simply move on to a life where your brain feeds you melancholy when you’ve just experienced something so contrasted, so contradictory to the heaviness you usually live? Perhaps most importantly, and most abstractly, I wondered if this feeling was something the greater population felt and that I had been withheld from experiencing, or was this something that could only be experienced in dreams? It can make you feel damaged, to suddenly access this wonderful emotion which you could have never imagined and to not know if this feeling was some kind of secret the mentally healthy were keeping from you. It’s very alienating.

In my future songwriting, I’m hoping to, not necessarily revisit this concept, but perhaps build upon it. I’m, thankfully, not in the same state of mind I was in during the writing of the Pluto in Scorpio songs. Obviously I still have a lot of mental exploration to do, but I don’t dwell too much on this emotion anymore, except for from a standpoint of curiosity, because I still don’t really have answers to any of the questions I’ve posed in this post. Maybe I can bring some fresh feeling in on this. I can already tell that I write about my depression in the past tense with a more observant, even sarcastic tone, but there’s still this sense of dysthymia looming, and there’s still this cynicism. Not that it bothers me, but it is there. I don’t know what it means, but it’s there.

That’s all I have to say about that for now. Dreams can be inspiring things; they’re when your mind is in its least restricted and most free-flowing mode. They can also be utter nonsense, but emotionally, they absolutely can make you think.